Racism

I'll write down these thoughts here before I forget them.

Unexpected events happen in life all the time. Some you forget immediately, some you forget in a few days, and some you remember for a long time. But there are some that will hit you so deep you become scarred by them. Here's one.

After being in Norway for over a year now..and living and hanging out with a predominantly Caucasian crowd, the issue of racism comes up ever so often, in both a positive and negative light.

I remember last year when I first made a self-deprecating (most likely Asian/Canadian) joke, and that opened the opportunity for others to realise, ''hey, he's not some stuck up kid who can't take a joke."

I will openly admit I make jokes about my own culture, heritage, ethnicity, whatever, on an almost daily basis. I don't (usually) mind if others do as well, because if I can do it to myself, why can't others?? I am not ranting about this because I honestly don't mind as long as I know the person doing it and it's in good taste. I'm usually hard to piss off so again, the point here is: I really don't care.

Or at least I thought I didn't.

Last night I think I experienced my first real sense of racial attack. Yes, I was under the influence of alcohol. I don't know if the other guy was as well, that's beside the point. Normally I wouldn't care, but when another person persists and doesn't let up and thinks it's funny to mock me my based on my skin colour despite not knowing me, that's not cool.

The more and more I sit and reflect on it, the more I realise that maybe I do care. I'm from a community in Vancouver where Asian immigrant families are the predominant makeup of the population. It's something I've been accustomed to for all my life which is why I think I chose Norway to let myself immerse in an environment nothing like that of Vancouver. It's refreshing and I love it, don't get me wrong.

Some here may even view me as a "self-hating Asian" since I honestly don't identify with being a stereotypical Chinese male which is why I say some of the things I do and make it a point to correct people if they call me Chinese/Asian/whatever. Others will disagree with how I view my identity but I'm Canadian first and foremost, but therein lies the problem. I allow for these racial comments and jokes to be made at me because I enable it. Hell, I even start it myself. I'm not even remotely mad or upset at any of the friends/acquaintances that have been guilty of these remarks, please don't misinterpret this.

But it's not until you experience something racist firsthand does it make you re-think how you've been acting. That incident will probably be a one-time thing (I hope) and is completely unrelated to my every day life here in Trondheim. However, I can't help but feel pissed off at not only the guy, but at myself for creating this double standard for myself. I am a hypocrite for even writing this. 

I don't know what my point is, but I think at the risk of hurting people's feelings I need to rethink how I allow others to perceive me. Racist "jokes" are never just that: jokes. They exist for a reason. I know most people don't mean it to hurt me and I've become so de-sensitised to it all. I enjoy that people can be cheeky towards me because I can take it and I give it right back. I don't want others to change how they act around me, because I would absolutely hate that. I enjoy the banter with or without these snide remarks because it's also awesome to break stereotypes when I open my mouth and people go "oh he's not from China/Japan/Korea/Thailand and can actually speak English like a [North] American." (Not that there's anything wrong with speaking English with an Asian accent.) I identify with being a Canadian. Am I ashamed of being Chinese? No. But am I proud of being Chinese? Not necessarily. I'm proud to be a Chinese-Canadian.

I can't shake this feeling in me that I'm doing something wrong; that if I'm allowing others and myself to "mock" me at my own expense even if it's in honest to good fun, I'm somehow allowing racism to exist in society without me even fully realising it. I know for a fact many of my Chinese-Canadian friends back home could never take half the things people say to me here. Does this mean it's okay then to just say it to me but not others? It's like the whole "N" word dilemma in the Black community. I don't want to be that politically correct guy because I'm not. But you know that feeling you get inside you that weighs you down? I'm feeling it.

There is no answer to this problem, but just a bit of reflection and hope others realise I'm not as much of a clown as I may seem. Life events change you, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. It sucks right now.

I didn't like that anger that I felt last night. I don't like the anger that I'm feeling today. I know it shouldn't affect me, but it is. I'll get over it, I always do. To that guy from last night: don't think for a second you're better than me. You're not.

/end